Humor4slightlytwistedminds

Northern Arizona Navajo Woman
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
You were married, or wish you weren't married, this
Is something to smile about the next time you see a
Bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business
Trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
The car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
A ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
The car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
A bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
Woman just sat silently, looking intently at
Everything she saw, studying ev ery little detail,
Until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
A bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
Two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
She said:
"Good trade....."

1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets the
Cheese in
The trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some
people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending
machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of
payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
my hand.

14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off
now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
jet engines

19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering, "What the
Blankity-blank happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would
all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some
people appear
Bright
Until you hear them speak.

Words Women Use
1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an
argument when they are right, and you need to shut
up.
2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means
half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the
same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help
do things around the house.
3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This
means something, and you should be on your toes.
Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in
fine (see #1).
4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't
Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word but a
non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men.
A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time standing here
and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to
#3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous
statements a women can make to a man. "That's
okay" means she wants to think long and hard before
deciding how and when you will pay for your
mistake.
7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not
question or faint. Just say you're welcome.
8.) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "%@&*
YOU!"
9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous
statement, meaning this is something that a woman
has told a man to do several times, but is now doing
it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's
wrong" - for the woman's response refer to #3.

Never say to a Cop...
"I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer."
"Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in."
"Aren't you the guy from the Village People?"
"Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me . . .
Good job!"
"Excuse me . . . is 'stick-up' hyphenated?"
"I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be
a police officer."
"You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"
"Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on 'COPS' last night?"
"Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's
nightstand."
"So, uh, you on the take, or what?"
Gee, Officer, that's terrific . . . the last officer only gave me a
warning, too!"
"Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does."
"I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there's no other cars
around . . . that's how far ahead of me they are."
"What do you mean, 'Have I been drinking?' You're the trained
specialist."
"Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell
off my lap and got lodged between the brake and gas pedal, forcing
me to speed out of control."
"ok ociffer, take me drunk i'm home again."

Things Overheard While On The Beat
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em..nobody is your friend."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"That says POLICE, not taxi."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?" (if you aren't a shooter, that is the average speed of a 9mm projectile (slug)).
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"You can't outrun a radio."
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have."
"If it's worth stopping, it's worth writing."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Some people are meant to be cops, and some people are meant to call the cops."
"God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"Bulletproof vests aren't."
"Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in
their behalf."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"Uh..yes, Chief, it only appeared as if I wasn't paying attention to your speech. Actually, you inspired me to meditate on the
mission statement and envision a new paradigm."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Law enforcement is not a spectator sport."
"I know, I know, your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."
"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.""You
might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride."
"We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and make cops from it."
"I don't believe they should use the electric chair, they need to use electric bleachers."
"Handcuffs aren't designed for comfort."
"Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em."
"There is no 'nice' way to arrest a potentially dangerous, combative suspect. The police are our bodyguards...our hired guns.
We pay them to do the dirty work of protecting us; the things we're too afraid, too unskilled or too civilized to do ourselves. We
expect them to keep the bad guys out of our businesses, our cars and houses and out of our face. We want them to 'take care of
the problem.'" We just don't want to see how it's done."