hidden pistol
4slighlytwistedminds
Astrology
Astrology

Chili # 2: Tammy's Tango
Judge 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
Judge 2: Exciting BBQ flavors, could use a few more peppers
to be taken seriously.
My Card: keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra Corona's when they saw
the look on my face.

Chili # 3:  Bob's Beefy Bite
Judge 1: Excellent firehouse chili!! Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge 2: a beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
My Card: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have
been snorting Limeaway. Everyone  knew the routine by now.
A Serving Assistant named Ramona pounded me on
the back; my backbone is in the front part of my chest
and the beer... uhummm I'm getting a bit inebriated

Chili # 4: Juanitas Tamale Tuck Chili
Judge 1: Black been chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2: hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
My Card: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.
Ramona a 300 lb assistant, was standing behind me with Ice she was shoveling into my
face from some available plastic cups of Spinata and Margaritas she was serving; She's
starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear- waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Marias Road Kill
Judge 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
My Card: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and
four people behind me burst into flames. The contestant seemed offended when I
told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Ramona saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring Ice directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me
off that the other judges asked me stop screaming.
Screw those "gulp" @%#!& er's!

Chili # 6: Gary's Glassford Chill Pill
Judge 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
Judge 2:  The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb
My Card: My intestines are now a strait pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames. No ones seems inclined to stand behind me except this
300lb. Mexican gal, Ramona. Side NOTE: I need
to wipe my a$$ with a snow cone!

Chili #7: Susy's Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge 2: Ho Hum., tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
My Card: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feela damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-liked $hit that matches my Tie died Tee shirt.
Atleast during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air I'll just suck it though the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Creecher's Creepy Cuisine
Judge 1: A perfect ending. this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor Bastard.
My Card::Holy Mother of....@%^&$% ------------------(editor's note: Judge #3 unable to
report
Go to: www.psychicfreepress.com Home Page
THOUGHTS TO
PONDER
~~~~~~~~~~
If you yelled for 8
years, 7 months
and 6 days you
would have
produced enough
sound energy to
heat one cup of
coffee.

(...hardly seems
worth it.)
***************

If you farted
consistently for 6
years and 9
months, enough
gas would be
produced to create
the energy of an
atomic bomb.

(Now that's more
like it.)
***************

The human heart
creates enough
pressure when it
pumps out to the
body to
squirt blood 30 feet.

(OMG...!)
***************
A pig's orgasm lasts
30 minutes.
(In my next life I
want to be a pig.)
***************
A cockroach will live
nine days without
its head before it
starves to death.
(Creepy) (I'm still
not over the pig.)
***************
Banging your head
against a wall uses
150 calories an
hour.
(Do not try this at
home . . . maybe at
work)
THOUGHTS TO
PONDER ~~~~~~~~~~
The male praying mantis cannot
copulate while its head is attached
to its body. The female initiates
sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home.  What  
the...?!")
**************
The flea can jump 350 times its
body length.
It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes . . . can  you
imagine?!)
**************
The catfish has over 27,000 taste
buds.
(What can be so tasty on the
bottom of the pond?)
**************
Some lions mate over 50 times a
day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next
life . . . quality over quantity)
************
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(...something I always wanted to
know.)
*************

The strongest muscle in the body
is the tongue.
(hmmmmmm........)
More...THOUGHTS TO PONDER
~~~~~~~~~~
Right-handed people live, on average,nine
years longer than left-handed people do. (If
you're  ambidextrous, do you split the
difference?)
************
Elephants are the only animal that cannot
jump. (OK . . . so that would be a good thing.)
**************
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I
wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
************
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know
some people like that.)
**************
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people
like that too.)
*************
Polar bears are left-handed.(Who knew?  Who
cares?!)
**************
Humans and dolphins are the only species that
have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig?)
You Tube Stand Up
Comedian Links:
Warning: Uncensored Humor may not
suitable for Minors

Jim Carrey
Chris Rock
Jim Gaffigan
Eddie Murphy
Steve Martin
Robin Williams
Eddie Izzard

Cheech & Chong Live '78-
Lowrider Part 1
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If
They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat...use a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling, "Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This E-mail To Someone To Make
Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy
David Allen Coe
Under Ground MP3's xxx Warning:
Uncensored Humor may not suitable for
Minors
Long Haired Redneckeck
Devil went down to Jamaca
She's Fat I'm Drunk
Is Northern Arizona Chili Hot?
I was lucky enough to be the 10,000th attendee at a regular event in a small town in Northern Arizona at a flea market called
"PeddlersPass" and was asked to fill in to be a judge at a chili cook-off...
Apparently the original Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment, and I
happened to be standing there when the call came in. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native Arizonans) that it would be a fun event and a true taste
of Northern Arizona hospitality. They assured me that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy like the stuff you might find in Texas. And besides, they told me I'd get plenty of cold free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event.

Chili # 1: Miguel's Border Bean
Judge 1: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
Would go well with corn tortillas.
Judge 2: Yes, this is nice, smooth tomato flavor, Very mild.
My Card: Ho-o-oh-ly crrrrraaaap, what the hell? This stuff could remove Chrome from a Bumper. It took me a couple of Cold
Cervezas  to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. Are these People Crazy?
Driving Miss Hillary
Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York
City to talk about the world.  After her talk she offers a question time. One  little
boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth," he replied. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" "I have three
questions:
First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to
develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second -  why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you guys left
the White House?" Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the
kids that they will continue after recess.
When they resume after recess, Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's
right, question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand up.
Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is. "Larry", he  replied. "And
what is your question, Larry?"
"Well, I actually have five questions:
First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to
develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President?
Second -  why would you run for President after your husband shamed the  office?
Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White
House?
Fourth - why did the recess bell goes off 20 minutes early?
And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"